if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
