Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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