I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
