??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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