so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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