she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
her facebook's as public as her vagina
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
