Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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