I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
