i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
