I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
