It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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