Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
