By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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