He asked me if I "almost moaned"
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
