Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
