I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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