No stitches, just platelets and will power
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
