She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
