I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
