my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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