I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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