I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
everyone is single if you try hard enough
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
