I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
