Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
