I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
