Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Can vaginas get frostbite?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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