I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
