when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
