when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
i think i just lost a toe
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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