Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
