I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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