I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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