Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
