i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
