2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
