If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
