just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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