he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
