Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
