if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
