I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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