I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
