i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
