Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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