I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
