Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
