Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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