i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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