At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
