your parents love me but you hate me
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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