Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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