I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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