Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
