If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
